If you are a science whiz like I am then you probably know that taste is one of the five main senses. The other ones in no particular or particularly relevant order are: spidey, tingly, smelly, soundy and hot or not. Hot or not is the easiest one. Allow me to demonstrate: Helen Mirren in a bikini = hot. DHMSCO truck driver in a bikini = not. Angelina Jolie as Lara Croft = hot. DHMSCO truck driver in the skin-tight leather onesie he wore to the Christmas party last year = not. Lana Del Rey naked on the cover of GQ = hot. DHMSCO truck driver naked on the front of the company newsletter = don’t even try to imagine it. Ever. And to the over-confident truck driver in question: it will never happen. Stop emailing me, I know those aren’t your real abs. See? Easy. Taste on the other hand is waaaaay more advanced so we will focus on that one now because I know heaps about it and want to appear smart which is why you should all picture me in a white lab coat and goggles saying really really intelligent things about atoms and gravity and what sneezes are made from and anything else impressive like that.

 

Tasting things can be a good and at times tasty idea. What does this apple taste like? Taste it. It tastes like an apple. I am now an informed and prepared consumer confident enough to go out and inform others of the appley taste of apples and the benefits of tasting tastes. But be warned: tasting things is not always the best idea. For example, when the yoghurt that’s been in the office fridge since mum packed it for my lunch last autumn even though I specifically asked her for a chocolate Yogo has ballooned to the size of a large apple maybe don’t taste it. Even if you suspect there’s a chance it might taste like an apple now. Maybe don’t even open it. MAYBE wait until a certain truck driver who stuffed you in a bin last week isn’t looking and hurl it in front of the forklift so that it splatters all over him and his guilt-stained face. Maybe. Similarly, I was once very curious to know if Ryan Gosling tastes as good as he looks. He does btw - like manliness and sensitivity. But restraining orders give your tongue the worst paper cuts so when tasting people, apply self control where possible.

 

There are festivals - let’s say founded by me because it would be time consuming and exhausting for you to prove otherwise - dedicated exclusively to the tastes of things. They are called the “Taste Of” festivals and there is one happening in Melbourne this very week! As a seasoned member of the whole “Taste Of” experience I can offer some insightful and very valuable advice on how to survive the festival that never goes bland…

Whatever you do do, don’t do what I did and assume that the whole venue is edible like the lickable walls in the Willy Wonka factory or the gingy house in Hansel and Gretel. You will be judged and then asked to leave (also, sometimes animals and even humans wee on the outside of buildings. Lil’ something I’ve learnt the hard (read: tasted it, got an infection) way…

Here is my list of things that are okay to taste at the Taste of Melbourne:

Foods and drinks that are being solicited by any of the genuine stalls exhibiting.

That’s pretty much it. Except for any wall if you think it really really might be one of those lickable Willy Wonka ones. In which case, go to town on that bad boy.

 

Lastly, at Tasty festival there will be wine. Wine is a delicious, fruity and ancient beverage invented by the Romans in the 1960s or possibly even earlier - history hasn’t been traced back that far yet so we can’t know for sure. Now, unlike DHMSCO delicious beverages that you can drink and drink without any serious harm ever befalling you (unless you don’t like winning burping competitions with your co-workers??) wine must be drunk in moderation and apparently not through a straw, funnel, sippy cup or hose. If these strict guidelines are not followed peculiar and seemingly uncontrollable events can occur. It’s important not to dwell on these transgressions, which is why all video footage from last year’s festival of Adam skipping flamboyantly through the Champagne lounge sprinkling a trail of bread crumbs in his wake and me licking and snuggling with who I thought was Adriano Zumbo but with what turned out to be a “caution: wet floor” sign has been destroyed.

So now that you are armed with the skills for survival, come and see us at Taste Of Melbourne at Albert Park from today until Sunday! There’ll be loads of opportunities to practice your tasting and wow all your friends with your wicked amounts of knowledge and superior decorum. Speaking of decorum, if you happen to see a man in a pleather onesie dancing Gangnam style on top of the Keg Bike, feel free to enjoy some of the other stalls until we’ve had the chance to feed our very professional truck driver some food and a strong coffee. Who invited him anyway? Sheesh…