So this whole internet thing really took off, huh? I remember being told about it a few months ago and I was all “Inter-wha? It’ll never last. I didn’t buy shares in telegrams and pigeon mail because they’re not awesome.”  But then I saw The Social Network (not to become better informed, but because J.T has – allegedly - been the recipient of one too many pigeon-grams and consequently, seeing his movies in 3D is as close to Sir Timberlake as the recently invoked restraining order allows) and it started to dawn on me that if Justin’s taking the time to make a movie about the interwebbity, maybe there’s more to it than I originally thought.

So I had a bit of a poke around and after tearing myself away from justhot4justin.com and then justinspeedos.org and finally, justinstimber.net (turns out this one was actually a timber sales yard in Adelaide, although the owner Justin was happy to send me some personal polaroids, and from that angle the resemblance really is uncanny - I’m also looking at ordering a few hundred meters of Baltic pine) I’ve conceded that yeah, there are some bits and pieces going on in the WWW and yeah, some of them are kind of awesome. Obviously I’ve dabbled in the blog writing market, but when I click “post” I until recently assumed that meant post literally, like by mail, pigeon, whatever…

“Goodbye fair blog, and up another point go my beloved telegram stocks, as strong today as they were during WWI. God bless the stock exchange and all who sail in her.”

I haven’t Wikipedeed it yet but I’ve a sneaking suspicion that a dapperly dressed gent in a brass buttoned suit with a harmonica in his pocket and a nattily combed moustache isn’t arriving at Internet’s front door to announce my posts with quaint yet assertive aplomb. Apparently I haven’t been doing my shares any favours stop

Still, I’ve decided to embrace the online scene. I’ve been trying to contact Bill Gates to see if I can be a partner or president or whatever, but unless you count the twelve disheartened telegram boys who’ve arrived back on my doorstep and thirty-nine emphysemic pigeons, no response as yet. Is it crazy that I feel like there should be a way I can contact him directly? Like an intermail or a net-message? If you know of something like that, instant telegram me. In the meantime, I’m utilizing as much cyber space as I possibly can. I’ve made some totally amazing new friends, like Chris who’s got some seriously creative ideas about attracting celebrity attention…

And while I was at it I thought hey, since I’m pretty much spending my entire workday refreshing JT’s twitter feed and chatting online to babes, I might as well bring my work online with me. I mean if Chris can go on to create a mildly successful music career online, who am I to dismiss the strength of the web?

Which is why DHMSCO has gone full internet. Boom. Click on the picture of Simon the Online Shop Keeper (should he be getting the full salary plus benefits we’re paying him for guarding the web-shop? I’m still not sure…) on the right of your screen there and be transported to a magical place where mineral water comes by the case and a t-shirt can appear on your torso in the merest click of a button!

Impressive isn’t it? Equally as impressive is the delivery of a case of Blood Orange by a team of carrier pigeons. Or if pigeons with the beak strength of a hippogriff don’t excite you (pfft!), keep in mind that we’re coming into summer which means short shorts for the telegram boys if you catch my drift (that’s a winking face, apparently they’re all the rage online). Service with a smile and a well-oiled indecently exposed thigh? The internet really is a magical place…

Oh and if anyone’s got any spare food they’d be willing to donate to feed a sizeable flock of pigeons and some particularly fussy telegram boys who refuse to eat refined sugar while I’m waiting for some stocks to liquidate, please contact me asap!!