Faster Than A Speeding Bullet
Just like that famous saying says, “better to have loved and won than ever to have lost, ever” which I think is a metaphor for life at DHMSCO. Also, relationships, maybe. Definitely life here though where winning isn’t everything but it is the best most awesome thing in the world that is literally all that matters ever and even if the only thing we’re good at is winning that’s still the best thing to be good at and means we’re good at heaps of other stuff too like taking photos and eating pies and stealing samples at fairs and writing letters to Judy Dench and writing letters to ourselves from Judy Dench and of course, beverage distribution. ”Mineral water for the win!” we shriek as we deliver water to our equally winning customers.
Sure our weekly medal ceremonies that started out as morale boosters have descended into glorified cage fights to see who can claw their way to the top of the podium first. Certain employees have started pantsing anyone who gets a leg up so now I’ve seen way more of my co-workers than I ever should have and I really don’t know why we even put the podium in a cage in the first place and yeah it was me who put mud in there but only because I wanted to see the truck drivers mud wrestle. Turns out - not as hot as you’d think. And now there’s a lot of mud in the office and there’s only a certain number of mud pies I can make before I start thinking it couldn’t hurt to eat one and who wears a g-string on a day they know they’re probably getting pantsed, Adam?!
Speaking of winning, some of our incredibly fantastico customers recently “tapped the hepburn” (not dirty, just an awesome new saying that means “won”. It’s a thing, TRUST ME). Not exactly without our help, in fact some might say in spite of it but just because I like to make suggestions to customers from time to time and just because those suggestions are always “include more superman paraphernalia in your decor” is no reason to say that I didn’t help you win an award. I’m taking credit regardless, so just keep a cape and some Clarke Kent glasses behind the bar for me, a weekly copy of the Daily Planet in your magazine rack, a makeshift phone booth in the corner and we’ll call it a team effort. The victories or “hepburn taps” I’m referring to were taken out in The Age Good Cafe Guide and The Age Good Bar Guide respectively. I don’t know how many categories there were. Frankly, I don’t care to know. I don’t need to know. I’m certainly not going to look it up or call somebody to find out. Besides, unless it came in writing from me pretending to be Judy Dench I wouldn’t believe it anyway. Still, I think I can say with absolute certainty that our customers won every single category that there was or wasn’t or will ever be or won’t be by a total landslide.
Here is a list of places where you can go to a) have an assuredly awesome time according to The Age and seconded by me b) have a guaranteed tasty local mineral water according to the whole entire universe and c) sit patiently in dark rimmed glasses, reading a fictional newspaper waiting for somebody to spill a drink or knock over their chair so you can dive into a cardboard phone booth, whip off your glasses, swoosh around in your cape and save everybody from imminent disaster yelling loudly about how Lex Luthor’s behind it all and that you were a fool for ever trusting him. But be warned: too much wine is your kryptonite in these times of heroism. As one member of our team discovered, one moscato too many can result in a very inappropriate superman throwing his disguise and harassing citizens with terrible Marilyn Monroe impressions and a truly humiliating strip tease that unfortunately involves wrapping a cape around a barman’s neck like a feather boa and ending up wearing nothing but an “S” drawn in lipstick on your chest. Sorry, Melbourne. I cannot stress enough that Lex Luthor is probably to blame (in this case Lex Luthor was disguised as a waiter who allows a grown men to order glass after glass of pink sparkling wine). Also, shot gun Lex Luthor and Kryptonite as potential cocktail names for when my bar “Metropolis” gets off the ground. Seriously, shot gun. Don’t you dare take them. And just so we’re clear, it really wasn’t me who pulled the moulin rouge routine either. It wouldn’t be fair to name names especially since the bar staff were nice enough to not press any charges despite the surprising amount of damage done with a pair of lycra tights. Let’s just say that the offending party may or may not sell our products in a representative way around town. It was Adam.
Here are our customers who tapped the hepburn:
Seven Seeds for Best Coffee and ideal location to sit alone in lensless glasses
Footscray Milking Station for Best New Cafe and nicest stitching on requested superman cape
Market Lane for Best Boutique roasters and most likely Lois Lane hangout
West 48 for the Local Hero award and Clarke Kent’s fav spot obviously
The Final Step for Best Small Cafe and most pithy comic section in fake newspapers
The Woods of Windsor for Best New Bar and staff most willing to play along with Superman guise
Gerald’s Bar inducted into the Hall of Fame and Daily Planet local
Strange Wolf for Best Bar Design and best space for running around in a cape shrieking “faster than a speeding bullet!”
So be sure to drop into these award winning hangouts. And if you see someone sitting alone in a corner wearing fake glasses and reading a newspaper written in crayon, try not to do anything that might warrant getting rescued. And if you feel like you’re being stared at way too intensely, it’s just Adam trying to activate his x-ray vision. Don’t worry, despite what he says, I’m pretty sure he doesn’t really have any.
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