Unsurprisingly, image is pretty much everything in the DHMSCO office. Smokin’ hot fashionistas that we are, we always try to stay one step in front of the trends – which is easy if you just dress a season ahead. And while yes, there is a nasty bout of chronic pneumonia going around the office and a valuable lesson has been learnt about never actually hugging fire, come Spring when you’re all stepping out in open-toed jester slippers and cap sleeved Jagger-meets-Lennon anti-war military inspired peasant smocks, we’ll give you a patronisingly wry smile and say something cool and withering like, “huh, quaint smock, I think I had one like, three months ago…”

So you can imagine that when the time came to find a new face to reprezent up in the Sydney boroughs, there were a lot of criteria that needed to be met by potential candidates…

Someone who can tie their own shoes… Someone who likes post-modern indie-rap music from south-west downtown Brooklyn only… Someone who wouldn’t necessarily wear but still owns a Batman cape… Someone who’s not afraid to experiment with sock colour… Someone with a complete set of Smallville trading cards who is willing to share… You know, the usual things you look for in an employee / new best friend.

But how to find such a well-rounded specimen?? Is there really anyone out there as impossibly cool as we are? Impossible! Or so I was writing in my Backstreet Boys journal with my collector’s edition N*Sync ten pen. But as I paused a moment to gaze up at my Wham poster and come up with another word for awesome (uber-cool? totes-awes? hot-shiz? tres-mazing?) it hit me like a Take That reunion tour – Boy Bands!!! I mean if anyone’s as cool as us it’s Gary Barlow! Or Nick Lachey!! Or Taylor Hanson!!!

And so the search was on. In hind-sight, advertising open auditions for “the next big thing in pop music” was probably a bad idea. Wayyy too many Bieber lookalikes. And a lot of people were genuinely disappointed that they weren’t meeting Kyle Sandilands. Very few were interested in selling mineral water and nobody had a Season 4 Episode 13 Lex-Luther-seduces-Lana-Lang trading card. Things. Were. Dire.

But then like the soaring altos of a Human Nature harmony, there he was: Dan “The Man” Kolek.

Look at that pose – we didn’t even tell him to do that! He’s a natural! A born diva with a pop-star pout, killer high notes and a passion for carbonated water! Swoon!! I mean, when his agent faxed through a rider with Dan’s list of demands before the contracts were even signed I thought it MAYBE seemed a little much. I don’t even know what coconut infused hydraulic hair dehumidifier is, but apparently Dan won’t work without it. Also, if anyone knows where I can find fresh peonies this time of year…

Still, if you’re in New South Wales and you need style advice, vocal lessons, an autograph or maybe even a mineral water order, Dan’s your man. Get in touch! Chase him shrieking though the streets! Maybe just don’t look him directly in the eye…

There aren’t many perfect people out there - even Johnny Depp made The Tourist, and after reading his biography I’m beginning to think Peter Andre isn’t as perfect as I thought he was (My World: In Pictures and Words - a literary tour de force. Read it, thank me later). But we are pretty much good at everything there is to be good at…

Creating flavoured mineral water drinks… creating un-flavoured mineral water drinks… buying Star Wars figurines online… other things…. See? We’re amazing, brilliant and (trust me) sickeningly good-looking.

It’s not surprising then that it turns out we’re actually extremely gifted farmers. Would you look at the size of that egg??!! Why it’s twice the size of that other egg! Now, I don’t know much about biology or physics or nutrition or time-travel, but I do know that feeding our chickens mineral water is definitely the possible cause of their revolutionary are-you-sure-your-chickens-aren’t-really-dinosaurs? sized eggs.

There are unpopular people out there who say eggs are meant to be egg sized. To them we say, “well what if I want a bigger than normal omelette but I’m only in the mood to crack one egg?” They’re the same buzz-kills who claim that you shouldn’t eat ice-cream for dinner or that chess is a sport or that sheep can’t drink sparkling mineral water. Well we say, “why can’t sheep enjoy a refreshing bubbly from time to time?” Or at least, “why can’t we spend a day pouring milk into mineral water bottles so that it looks like they can?” We are pioneers.

So what have we learnt from our trip to the DHMSCO farm? Johnny Depp is only human, our chickens might actually be dinosaurs, and sheep look adorable drinking from mineral water bottles.

And for the record, I still think Peter Andre is perfect. And I’d let him make me a two-egg-with-one-egg omelette any morning.

Not being much crack at maths, this equation might not be the solid stuff of Pythagoras or Archimedes, but I’m pretty sure even they would agree that:

famous customer = famous friend = famous us³

So, you can imagine we almost pie-r-squared our pants when we  saw this photo in The Age last weekend. That’s Kellie Sutherland from Architecture in Helsinki and THAT’S a bottle of our mineral water in her fridge! Woopee!! …Not that we’re excited. Famous people don’t get excited, they get new Wayfarers.

Still, as we bask in our new found fame, rocking designer shades and new you’ll-all-be-wanting-one haircuts, we have to wonder… should we quit our day jobs and just hire Rachel Zoe now, or did we maybe spring for the punk-nouveau-page-boy cuts a little prematurely?

I know, I know, when is a page-boy cut EVER a bad idea? Still, as we perfect our best paparazzi pouts, it couldn’t hurt to see whether we have more than one famous friend… I mean, if I’m calling Oprah’s people (and I am… eight times a day… or so…) to let her know she’ll defs be wanting to come out of retirement to interview us, I want to make sure we’re as famous as we think we are…

So the hunt is on! Not in the creepy, stalker, wear-this-vile-of-mineral-water-around-your-neck kind of way. But maybe you’ll see a celebrity one day. And maybe they’ll be chugging down a Hepburn water… Or maybe they’ll look thirsty and you’ll offer them one. Should you ever find yourself in either of these incredibly likely scenarios, snap that celebrity, send us the snap and then we’ll be your friend and you’ll be famous too! SNAPS!!

Just remember when you’re shielding your Ray-Bans from the paparazzi with your fashionable yet functional page-boy cut, we taught you everything you know…